I am an artist harnessing adhd

I love life in Canby Oregon. We are just outside of town, on 6 acres, near the Willamette River. I have a flock of geese, chickens, turkeys, ducks, and goats. I also have dogs and cats. 

I grew up in Napa California. I was obsessed with understanding animal and human behavior. I loved to draw. Eventually I found a passion for drawing horses. 

My father got me lessons at a big 3 Day Eventing Ranch in the mountains above Napa - Wild Horse Valley Ranch. I became a working student, and spent as many hours as possible there for at least decade. There, I met my once in a lifetime horse, Tia. 

During this time I had art lessons from a talented pastel artist, and started entering my work in fairs. 

I went to college and got my Bachelor of Animal Science with an emphasis in Equine Physiology and Nutrition. The degree gave me the opportunity to dive even deeper into behavior, and how things worked. 

After school, I started a family, and went back to school to get my Masters in Business Administration while working full time. My family, art, and animals helped to keep me balanced. 

I relocated to Oregon with my family (including Tia) for my work, and added a studio to the end of an existing shop on my property. I named it Holly Oak Studio after my best friends ranch in American Canyon CA. I've spent many hours in my studio painting in solitude and with friends and family. 

Stay tuned.... more to come....

I have ADHD. Probably not news to people who know me well. :-) I was finally diagnosed in my mid 40's. 

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I don't think that the name is descriptive of ADHD. I don't suffer from a lack of attention, I suffer from an abundance of attention on things that are interesting to me. My mind will try to focus on everything all at once. I think that is part of where I get my sharp intuition from - I'm pulling in information, and assimilating it without conscious thinking. I personally, do not see it as a disorder - though people can, and do, and that is ok  - I see it as a different operating system with some solid advantages.  

A person with ADHD falls under the umbrella of neurodivergence. Neurodivergent people have brains that think or work differently than a typical brain. We process information in a way that is different from what is "typical". 

Neurodivergence includes a lot of very different people. I think of it as a spectrum, or continuum - with differing levels of impairment and ability. Each sub-type under the umbrella has unique constellations of qualities. Neurodivergent people include people that are on the autism spectrum, people with dyslexia, and people who have experienced brain trauma -and more. Giving this type of "disorder" (or thinking style) a name, helps people to find their tribe and locate assistance if they need it. I like knowing that I'm a zebra living in a herd of horses.....and not just a really crappy horse. Knowing more about ADHD has helped me to accept who I am and what I can do.

How does ADHD affect my art? For me, feelings and ideas literally have texture and color. 

My mind zigs when everyone elses zags. ADHD is associated with creativity, impulsiveness, hyperfocus, non-linear thinking, sensitivity, procrastination, empathy, and a lot more. One of my favorite strengths is empathy. It allows me to feel deeply for another person or animals situation, and encourages me to see things from their perspective. It gives me an ability to feel into whatever I'm doing - in addition, empathy feeds my intuition.

All of the traits above have two sides - creativity is great when you want to make something new or novel....it's not so great when you need to focus on entering something boring, like a spreadsheet. My strength of hyperfocus overcame my propensity for procrastination in my schooling. I performed well in schools  - I even got an MBA with almost perfect scores in classes. (All that time, I was fully unaware that I had ADHD). I never knew how many things I was doing to fit "typical" ways of doing things, until I recognized what made me different. 

My studio is always a mess with projects in different stages everywhere. I feel like people want to see a neat and organized workspace (Instagram ready), that is not me.  I'm learning that the studio is for me, and I'm perfectly happy in it just as it is. I live for the uninterrupted Flow State, and a relaxed private studio allows me that luxury. 

I Dabble: Have you noticed that I dabble (or focus) on a little bit of everything? From watercolor, acrylic, pastels, mixed media, collage, to model horses etc. I will go through phases of weeks to months of one type of focus, and will play it out and return to another style of expressing myself. When I'm into something, I'm 100% into it, I enjoy trying to become an expert on a niche....  If you see a chunk of time where I'm only doing one thing (for example paintings of the St Johns Bridge), don't worry, I'll soon cruise into another artistic groove. I like to explore themes in detail, fully take them in, and express them the best I can with where I am at in my journey at any given time. All of the different styles feed on one another. There is a lot of cross pollination.  I feel like it may be confusing for people that like my work for me to move from style to style - it's just how I do things best. 

I love Teaching people about what I've learned. Living the discovery process right along with someone else  - is amazing! My teaching style is positive, and allows for other people to express themselves in their own style. I work in watercolor, acrylic, oils, pastels, ink etc. I've been leading "Paint and Sip" type get-togethers lately - nothing is better than someone that says "I can't paint" when they come in, leaving with a perfectly cool new painting when they walk out. We are all creative. Creativity is your fingerprint as a human. It's scary to start creating, but it's worth it. Trust me. Just take the leap. Lot's of other people are with you. 

I have news for you - It's cliché but true: you  can be your own worst critic. The way you talk to yourself internally can be your stickiest barrier to growing as a person. 

I'm a perfectionist, and working on loosening up. Try being driven to perfection with ADHD - it is exhausting! Most of my life I didn't even know I had ADHD, so I thought I had a deep personality flaw of some type to be ashamed of - and that inner critic ran with it, my extensive creative imagination only gave it fuel. As far as I knew, that voice was necessary for survival.

Growing up, I intrinsically loved to draw and create. It brought me peace. But my inner voice could be vicious, and creating then displaying art could make me feel seen, and therefore vulnerable, which in turn ramped up the anxiety and negative voice.

My inner voice thought it was serving the purpose of driving me to perfection, and therefore happiness. It was always there, always familiar, and therefore, despite it's hurtful nature, it felt comfortable. Easy to return to. I told myself that I feared what other people thought or might say about my work.... when what I really feared, at my core, was being left alone with the unsupportive self talk coming from my own mind. 

Through art, great mentors, and introspection, I've learned that we all need to be more kind to ourselves, and although it sounds simple, it isn't easy. 

At first the idea of internal kindness to myself felt very uncomfortable, because it was unfamiliar, but I kept trying. Thank goodness for a great teacher/councilor at that time. Great teachers can install their unique rational and positive voice in your mind. You can call on them when you need encouragement or advice. You can choose who to listen too  (if you don't have a great mentor or teacher available, try and imagine one). Chose to follow people who align with who you aspire to be. Later, that inner voice, born from a friend, mentor, or pure imagination, becomes integrated with your own (hopefully) more amicable inner voice.

Your inner voice can be much more cruel in its comments when you talk to yourself, than a person would ever be when talking to someone they like, or love. The cutting inner voice served a purpose at some point - maybe it kept you safe, or on task - but, is the way you talk to yourself now, serving the you that you want to be? 

The first step, for me, was being aware of the voice. I thanked it for its hard work, and realized I could shape it - calming my inner critic by creating art, substituting positive mentors voices, and learning to have a working relationship with my inner voice. Traditional meditation is helpful, being in nature is helpful, and creating art can feel like meditation as well.

My advice to myself (and possibly you): Be kind and gentle with yourself. The negative voice doesn't always speak the truth. Ask yourself: would I talk to my best friend this way? Is this comfortable only because it's familiar? You can learn to like, or even love that inner voice, and understand that it had it's reasons and purpose. Take the constructive things your inner voice offers, and don't take in any venom it spews. *That inner dialog is not You. You are the person witnessing the dialog.*

Look for things you like about your work, or self, and instead redirect your thoughts to them. Frustrations and anxiety will come and go - try and see the other side- maybe even welcome uncomfortable feelings, knowing that you can learn from them. You even have the option of just watching the negative self talk float by, like a spectator - because the voice isn't You. 

Once I began to see that the little voice in my head wasn't really "Me" - I felt 100 times lighter. I finally felt moments of peace with myself. The voice still plagues me some days, but we work together now, with more compassion (and a little humor). 

I wanted to share - in case it helps someone else out there work towards a better relationship with their inner Self.   :-)